Friday, September 24, 2010

Ichiro vs. Kenny Powers

In 2006, Ichiro played for the Seattle Mariners, and Kenny played for "Seattle." How do they compare?

Height
Ichiro: 5'9"
Kenny: 5'8"

Weight
Ichiro: 160
Kenny: 210

Home
Ichiro: Kasugai, Japan
Kenny: Shelby County, North Carolina

Strengths
Ichiro: An excellent contact hitter, a speedy baserunner, and a nine-time Gold Glove winner
Kenny: An arm like a damn rocket, a cock like a Burmese python, and the mind of a fucking scientist

Favorite Bar
Ichiro: Saito’s Japanese Café & Bar
Kenny: Shh-Boom Shh-Booms

Hobbies
Ichiro: Collecting paintings, shopping for antique furniture, driving his Porsche, coin collecting, playing Go, playing golf, growing bonsai trees
Kenny: Getting drunk on the reg, fuckin' good times on the reg, yachts on the reg, sex on the reg, riding the Panty-Dropper (his Jet-Ski), cocaine

Memorable Quote
Ichiro: "August in Kansas City is hotter than two rats in a fucking wool sock."
Kenny: "I’m the man with the ball. I’m the man who can throw it faster than fuck. So that is why I’m better than everyone else in the world. Kiss my ass and suck my dick, everyone."

On Fashion
Ichiro: "The fashion sense Americans have is a crime."
Kenny (to girlfriend): "I know one of us has had their own personal stylist, and the other shoplifts their shit from Fashion Bug... You got clothes like a fuckin' dickhead."

On Seattle
Ichiro: "You can see water everywhere you go, which is very unique for an urban area in the States."
Kenny: "You should see my fuckin' cookouts, man. When I was back in Seattle, I had the goddamn Spoonman from the Soundgarden videos comin' to my shit. Oh yeah, I’m talkin' six grills burnin' at all times, tiki torches, three whole pigs, fuckin' shitloads of macaroni and cheeses, baked potatoes, collard greens, a horse, fuckin' Puerto Rican chicks showin' their pussies and tits off everywhere. They were amazing!"

UPDATE
Kenny: "Seattle can tongue-kiss my shithole."
***

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1 Comments:

At 12:43 PM, October 05, 2010 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Brilliant.

Python wins.

-jp

 

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